Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
