This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
