i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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