mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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