Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
