i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
