my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
