My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
