Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
