I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize