I want to walk on stilts...naked
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
