anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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