We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
