nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Randomize
