mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
