Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
