All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Naked Twister starts at high noon
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
