I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
