if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
