I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
