Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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