So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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