i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
