Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
