I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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