i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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