Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
