Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
