this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
