I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
lets start a swedish sibling band together
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
