I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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