he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
