My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
cat food counts as protein by the way
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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