She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
