I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
