i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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