maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
