five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
