Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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