he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
