i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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