It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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