At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
