he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
