Don't make out with my wife yet
My underwear smells like fireworks.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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