conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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