apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize