hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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