There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Randomize
