I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
