I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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