I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
