I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
