I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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