So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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