he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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